theres so many things i wish to say to you.
&i hope when i run away, you would read this post&only this post.
i really hate the way you treat me.
i feel like an outsider in this family.
i feel so hurt&sad it's like i don't even belong in this family.
you NEVER support what i want to do.
when i'm with ya'll, i feel so scared&nervous to say something.
cause i know you will always have the negative side of that story.
&ya'll will keep scolding.
&papa won't stop&he will drag drag drag.
but there was this one time.
when i was going to sleep.
you, papa&cheche were in your room.
i kept hearing ya'll laugh with so much joy.
i cried that whole night.
&even right now, i'm crying like a running tap.
everytime i try to tell you stuff.
you just neglect me.
or ignore me.
or in the end, we just end up quarreling.
thats why i'm afraid to talk to you.
or papa.
sometimes, i can hardly communicate with my own sister.
cause she just don't understand what i'm going through.
no one in the family does.
&this is really hurting.
everytime i do something wrong,
i think why i do it.
& i know why.
it is because i want to have freedom.
i really love arts.
esp. music arts.
I LOVE THE LOCAL SCENE!
i love going for gigs.
i love my skinnies&i love wearing all black.
but all the time, you will always enjoy criticizing
on what i like.
i don't know why you do this.
i really don't.
& no matter how much i wanna tell you to stop it.
i just know that in the end, i'm being super rude to you
&showing you attitude.
i really don't understand why you would say this.
&i love my friends.
when i told u i hung ard with malays
ya'll were really shocked.
if i were hanging out with the chinese in my school,
i would have turned out much much worst by now.
i would have more more piercings.
&ugly looking tattoos.
smoking everyday.
but you just don't seem to understand.
my malay friends are the bestest thing that ever happened to me.
pls do not related the local scene to drug&booze.
parents, that is totally wrong.
you both have even driven me to having suicidal thoughts.
terrible ones.
everytime after school, i dont like coming home.
cause i like going to a peaceful place&clear my thoughts.
&most of the time i end up crying.
when i think about ya'll.
every night im crying myself to sleep.
because im scared of my own parents.
i always feel i have super unreasonable parents.
selfish ones.
all this came with suicidal tendancies
as a whole"package"
i seriously rather be parentless than have you&papa as parents.
i know it's really harsh to hear that now.
but sometimes, i hate myself for thinking like that.
mama, papa, there's so much things i want to say to you.
this is just a summary of part of it.
i really want to have freedom.
i really want parents who love me&SHOW that they love me.
but right now, i know ya'll hate me to the core.
& i really can't take the pressure from you guys.
that's why i run away.
im not sure if ya'll will understand how i feel.
i'm sure you won't.
&idk when i'm coming back.
but pls knw that,
i still love ya'll alot.
i really do.
i love you parents.
<3
