TO MUHD MAAROF

i apologise for last night.
i was being childish.
i was being selfish.
i was being immature.
i was being a total bitch.
i'm sorry i blew on you.
i just got so mad.
because you told me forever.
you used the word forever.
why the word forever?
in case you still don't know hun, i get attached to people.
especially my boyfriend.
you even talked about so much more things.
and i actually believed you?
and randomly, you break up with me.
and you didn't know why.
than you told me i changed.
Have you ever put yourself in my shoes before?
This is the last time i am ever talking about you in this blog.
Than you told me, you just wanted to be friends.
Was that supposed to make me happier?
i am on the verge or dropping my POA because,
i flunked my test.
because, i kept thinking about you.
you make me smoke so much i will probably get lung cancer before,
going to university or something.
i really dunno why you did this.
i mean like, do you see any joy, in doing this?
will you clap your hands when you see me in my grave?
you mean more than the universe to me.
i'll even screw up my o's for you.
but i really wanna know why you do this to me.
do you know how it actually feels?
or have you really lost feelings for me.
you tell me you still care.
but do you honestly?
or you just saying that to make me shut up?
you make me cry every single night!
and i really hate this feeling.
it's worst than pumping steriods into your blood.
or doing scarification.
its worst than getting a septum piercing.
but i guess you'll never know how that feels, right?
i don't wanna be friends.
i don't wanna contact in anyway.
i have deleted your pictures, or numbers, your everything.
i have even burnt the diary i never used.
even going to sim lim square reminds me of you.
remember the time, we got lost going to nafa?
remember the time we ate corn and cotton candy, at esplanade's waterfront?
remember sharing ljs?
remember on the eve of my birthday,
we walked from orchard to cityhall?
i miss holding your hand.
with your long fingers interlocking.
i miss your yummy lips.
against mine.
I miss your hugs.
I miss your voice.
I miss your sweet messages.
I miss everything about you.
I still love you so so much.
I'm sorry for always complaining that,
you don't show me that you love me.
Ma'arof, you just really changed my life.
Especially after the break up.
I know whatever i say now, won't mean a thing.
It won't change a thing.
And doing the dumbest things,
would just attract your attention negatively.
Making matters worst.
I hope you're happy with whoever your future girlfriend will be.
Typing more of this will just never end my tears.
I don't wish to add more fuel to the fire.
So let's never contact.
Goodbye, for good.

EDIT;}

you made so much promises.

were they true?

you never kept them.

you told me you would only break up, if i did something.

you told me, that you were planning on making me a v day gift.

did you mean it?

or did you think about breaking up even before making the gift?

if you read all this, reply me in msn.

i don't know how to get over you.

it's just too effin hard for me.

band or boyfriend.

i still haven't gotten over the fact that i WANT to start a band. like, SERIOUSLY. but you know what, i'm having O LEVELS this year. and i swear it's driving me crazy. There's so many reasons for me to just commit suicide or something but that's just being dumb ain't it.
art is probably the HARDEST subject to score in.
POA is just, speechless.
chemistry is like, whats up with the formulas.
maths is understandable:D
hahaha.

teacher thinks i should drop poa.
i really want to.
but i dont.
well whatever it is, i ain't dropping.
and MR CHIN wants to meet momsie.
like what the hell for?
he says it's cus' of my overall performance and attitude.
i have not committed any "crime" this year.
i actually think i'm much better than year than last year.
agreed people?
and he wants to talk to momsie.
most prob it's cus i failed badly for both poa tests.
but whatever youre an accounts teacher?
you ain't supposed to call parents down just for the sake of your favourite subject.
it's just, plain, biase?

i still cant get over you maarof.
i swear it's the hardest thing that ever happened to me.
i wanted you to come for passion arts even before we broke up.
and i still do.
but saying goodbye is just the hardest thing right now.
most of my friends tell me they're bringing their boyfriends.
and i just say, im gonna have another lonely passion arts, again.
but whatever.
it's never easy getting over a guy anyways right?

i still have to find shoes for passion arts.
any kind soul willing to spare me shoessss?
like pronto.

hahah, im typing away though no one reads.
it's just the dead-est blog ever.
i quit being a bitch.
HAHAHAH.[:

yesterday shopping with fee was gooood.
hahah.
i love love my dress[:
though its rather formal.
idc.
i still love it.
she bought less than 5 items but more than 100 bucks.
WE HAVE TO GO SHOPPING AGAIN!
:D
im serious.
and we didnt take pictures!
]:

happy valentines day honeys!

from best friends to strangers.

i really dunno what happened b/w us.
i still really miss you a lot.
when i read your blog, i realised you really didn't regard me as anyone to you anymore.
i know im a very immature best friend to begin with.
but were you actually being serious?
like, did you really mean from the bottom of your heart, that we were best friends?
or is it, on your 18th birthday.
you just realized that there are much more potential best friends out there, so you decided to ditch me?
do you know how it actually makes me feel?
yeah we were quarreling last night.
but do you really mean over as in over?
do you really just wanna wash me off your shoulders?
like period?
the things you said to me when i was at my lowest.
was it just cus' you didn't realize how much i'd be hurt?
or you just treat me like a normal aquaintance?
i wish i ever knew you.
i really do.
cause losing you, is as painful as losing my boyfriend.
it's actually more painful.
remember, best friends over boyfriends?
you might not, but i sure as hell do.
it's like, losing 2 precious things.
at the same freaking time.
i really feel like pouring out my heart and soul here right now.
but it's just pointless.
cus we're over.
im actually crying right now typing this.
you just give me the deepest impression that you never made me your best friend before.
you just deemed it as a status.
youre the first REAL best friend i actually loved.
and the first best friend i'd cry for.
the first best friend who i pour my heart and soul out too.
the first best friend i can share things with.
what happened to best friends forever?
sigh, or were they just empty words with no meaning?
if you really wanna be this way, than fine.
it's your choice.
goodbye fannie.

oh switzerland, where the sunflowers are the brightest.

one small thing, can affect me so much.
what the hell?
you're too busy with your other friends and some guy?
if you didn't regard me as best friend a long time ago,
i rather you be straightforward and tell me a long time ago too.
ah whatever.
i'm happy we're hi bye friends now.
after one shitty year.
eff this.
i know i have a temper problem.
but i ain't living to impress you anymore.
nor am i trying to match up to you.
oh byebye.

STUDYING ON A SATURDAY
zxomg.
byebye pwd D:
if ya'll could only perform in yishun.
i need a study buddy who lives in yishun.
anyone? ):

hmmm, anyone wanna buy wired hearts?
im selling and making.
i need business.
the piercing one seems much of a goner.
and my sister's english is even getting better than mine.
the words coming out from her mouth or so, chim.
are you my sister or a stranger?
mmmmmm.
i feel like a loser today.
wee~

my worst habit is texting one person everydayyyy.
sheryl, dont hate me for that D:
i've lost a best friend.
but i think i've found a new true blue friend.
sherylscene.
hahahah, i wanna hang out sooooon!
when D:
i know i say alot of freaking things like, almost all the time.
hahahah.
sorry uh.
it's a habit(again)
i cant say things properly.
like, when it comes out, it's just a bunch of rubbish.
we have HAVE to study one day tog.

im in school now.
waiting for sofia.
i wonder if she still remembers im here waiting for her.
am listening to Summer's Over now.
i think theyre preeettyy awesome.[:

gg facial later, i feel soo lazy to get out of this seat.
i wanna change, do i stills eem like that arrogant bitch?
if yes, please start listing.

Passion Arts Concert.

Venue: Republic Poly(woodlands)

Time: 7.30-9 plus.

Date: 27 Fec(friday)

Price: 8/10 bucks.

anyone interested?

[:
fannie hun, i would really appreciate it if you would come.

it's freeee;D
this sunday at 5.30pm
s.a.m.
*incase you cant see cus' i sure can't.
1. Heartfelt Signature.
2.Blindfold Heros.
3.Roulette.
4.Homicidal Rage.
5.Iridium Like A Band.
6.False Pause.
7.Thy Fallen Kingdom.
8.Rubberband.
9.Knightsfall.


For a bigger picture of the poster,
http://www.playstoprewind.com/next_generation2.jpg

today, school's boring(as usual, du-h)
i seriously dunno what to do for art.
i cant stop thinking about mrf.
idk how my theme, glass container, is gonna progress.
i've just got my schedule for remedial starting from next week.
doing piercings this monday.
having tuition tomo. (oh how dreadful)
having dinner with dad's side tomo night.
having lunch with uncle bernard and family on sun.
having rock kidz on sunday morning.

i wanna start out solo.
and im doing it tonight.
anybody willing to help me?
i really am dead serious on doing this.

CNY PICTURES AND RANDOM STUFF.
i miss you carebear D:
i can't wait anymore.
i really hate it D:
hearing your voice makes me cry even more ]':
i really hate this so so much.
i dont wanna cry over you every single min im thinking of you.
your parents alr hate me so much D;
i dont wish to meet you for a while,
cus that'll make me miss you even much much more!
i do not wish to hear your voice, cus' i cant stop crying.
i swear.
]':
i love you so so much sayang.
but do you still love me the same?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZADIzNFdreU
to darling dee,
please go see this video.

i hate friday nights,
though the saying goes, TGIF!
hahah.
last night was one of those horrors(thus the post)
i was super cranky.
i shall not always talk about my pathetic shitty needs.
but shall, about good happy stuff:D
hahahahah.
even w/o freedom, much love, a friend who cares, i still can survive.
right FRIENDS.
whatev.

have been baking the whole day.
the same cookies/cake for like over a decade.
anyone wanna try:D

i want a dslr D:
i think i want photography or clay as my medium.
sadly, i have noo idea what i should do for arts.
and i have tons of homework.
booo.
i cant wait till after o's.
talk about actual freedom.
anyone who's bored, please text me;D

YEAR OF THE COW! MOOOOOOOO. HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!:D

i miss you like crazy!
two weeks?
more like 2 years.
sigh.
i feel distant from you.
i wanna hear you say "i love you" again.
i wanna hear you tell me how much you love me,
how much i actually mean to you.
i really can't take two weeks.
i was crying so badly when i heard your voice last night.
i cry everytime i see eeyore.
yes i know im very emotional.
but that also shows how much i love you.
i dont wanna distant myself from you.
the feeling really just sucks.
what if your dad don't let loose a lil'?
what then?
sigh.
if it's a month, i swear i can't take it.
i read your mails.
you dont even send any to me D:
when will it be an emergency, then can i only text remy's phone ?


i'm sick of all the medication i'm taking.
why th hell can't i be born at least pretty.
ffs, God just shoot me down.
i'd kill to look pretty.
just name your price.

i feel like changing my blog skin.
im so slow in everything.
yester news is my probably my for me to discover in the future.
im listening to SAVIOUR KING by HILLSONG.
oh my gosh is soo goood.
i miss mrf so badly.
i have no way of contacting you.]':
im sorry.
i miss you terribly.
i have never missed anyone so badly before.
everyone's telling me, to concentrate on studies,
and put this incident, aside.
it's so fucking hard.
best friend, i know it's not real love, it's puppy love, like you always say.
but all i know is i love him.
i miss your hands honey.
i miss holding it.
i miss your long fingers.
your adorable-ness with your glasses.
please call me, i just miss you so so terribly]':
the only way i can remember you, is eeyore.

today, school was, boring as usual.
i need a new laptop i swear.
this friday i have an appt, sigh.
who would be ever so sweet to accompany me.
meeting gabbie gore tomo.
i miss you like fuck bitch!
we're gg shopping for your present tomo.
sofia is (happily) attached to Yus.

i feel so distant from you my God.
i lie worst than i lied last time.
most people wouldn't really know what i'm talking about.
i haven't received the word since, half a year ago.
i haven't felt your presence since, forever.
have i shamed you deeply.
i probably have sinned more than a normal person would.

i'm on hiatus.
im not going to text much.
i'll prob just text the ppl close.
hopefully, i can meet up with some of ya'll soon.
i seriously can't wait till after o's.
after i've finally completed my grade 8, practical.
if i work hard enough, my grade 5 theory.
i wanna jump straight to grade 8.
i dont' wanna wait.
i've wasted 2 years for practical and 5 years or so for theory.
screw wasting time.
i need a study buddy.
and still, a texting buddy.
anyone?
):

BAABAABLACKSHEEP.
my days have been numbered.
hahahahah.
it's the same usual boring-ness.
mon, thurs, fri, sat= tuition.
tue & thurs= cca.
sun= family day.
wednesday= homework day.
fyi, i haven't stepped into cityhall since the start of the year
(apart from rock kidz)
i'm not meeting Kiddi till after o's.
i SOOOO wanna meet julie cus' we had fun the other time.
i need a study buddy who'll actually study with me.
i need NEED to score well for my o's or else i'm doing my studies overseas.
i can't imagine four years later i won't get to see my boyf much.
i need a social life, apart from school.
i need to loose weight or i swear i'll take a butter knife and cut out all the fats
like what a famous artist did to his ear.
i already miss mrf ):
i miss kiddi even more.
im still doing piercings, so whoever needs to pierce lips or tongue, text meee[:

TODAY;
went to nafa.
had the hardest time finding the place.
cus' i took 851 and dropped infront of tekka mall.
all i could see was la selle.
mrf got kinda pissed cus' i was lost and walking up and down like some goon.
he alw said i nvr get lost when i'm with him.
ALAS, now i have.
so we had the hardest time finding nafa.
when we got there, we were like totally, d-uh.
cus' everyone we saw were in big groups w/ their school.
while we both were the only two w/o a school.
so we registered, and got our goodie bag:D
we went in to one gallery.
and i really think some artworks were gor-geous.
i dont mind spending my thousands on em'.
so yeh, after that we just left.
walked ard again, finding our way to bugis station.
sat at sim lim food court.
he was tired & hungry but he didn't wanna eat.
so i bought peach tea(gah)
and we left for our search of BUGIS STATION.
i was supposed to pierce for weixiong but he last min
cancelled on me.
i swear i was gonna scream.
so we came back.
he walked me home to khatib:D
and we ate uh, some cookies than i forgot.
and i just remembered my stupid diet.
and i stopped eating.
while forcing him to eat his final 2 cookies.
hahahah.
in the end, i saw sandra & fitri and gave em the 2 cookies.
he brought home the other YUMMY CHEESE bear cookies:D
i love my boyfriend so so much.
i swear idk what i'd do w/o him.
i'll smoke my ass off day and night.
gah.
I LOVE YOU MRF:D

PARKWAY DRIVE!

HORIZONS SEA TOUR.
PARKWAYDRIVE.
7th feb 09
singapore art museum; auditorium
5 pm onwards.
early birds:S$25
at the door:S$35

happy being her dog darl.
i have no idea why you wanna do it.
just to impress her?
you ain't living just to see her happy.
i dont give a second hoot even if she just drop dead in my face.
you yourself told me she ain't your best friend.
you only have one best friend.
who's not here.
you tell me you'll loose respect and 2 precious ppl?
you know what, i dont care anymore.
why should i.
i'm not living to impress people.

school has been crap.
first week and i hate it to the core.
like GAWD.
gah.
homework homework homework.
who wanna go for poly open house this fri&sat??
:D
and bestiee, you better not go committing suicide.
i seriously dunno how in the world you think yesterday was a joke.
i swear i almost cried.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NURWANA!!!!!!!

im researching on Ken Hornbrook.
he has awesome skills.
okeh, first day of school.
so boring.
what medium should i choose for art o's?
PHOTOGRAPHY?
CERAMIC?
well only this 2 i love:D
hahahah.
and, right after o levels.
im gonna go out, and do shopping.
and go for GIGS nd GIGS nd GIGS!
i wanna form a girl band:D
anyone interested?
more of indie.
and i need study buddies!
this update is cus lina chan chan say i never update.
hahahah.
I MISS YOU GOSSIP BUDDYYY!

zxomg i hate guys whose girlf alw keep their phones.
and when text come in they start shooting.
like wth.
i lost contact with soooo many ppl.
and i regret not talking to them]:
like seriously]':
from now on, i shall not not talk to ppl.
and i shall not not talk to them for more than one week.
whatever i mean.
school gonna reopen.
SO MUCH HOMEWORK!
DIEDIEDIE.
please support WFN on live&loaded:D
i need a new band best friend.
like period.

and my new year resolution!
1.loose weight by jan, goal is 10.
2. change my attitude.
3. be more patient.
4. change my ugly fashion.
5. loose weight! (if i loose weight by june till my ideal, i can get my dslr!)
6. be more understanding.
7. change hairstyle.
8. be more experienced in piercing.
9. get more "customers"
10. DO WELL FOR O LEVEL MANSZXZXXZXZX.
11. find a new band-bestie.
12. be more involved in local music cus' im such a noob.
13. practice my piano MORE!
14. hopefully get to la selle or nafa.

PIERCINGS

hahahah.
im back:D
yes.
piercings:D.
im doing lip, monroe, madona, medusa, labret, lip, tongue & septum.
yes i've done all these before.
text mee.
i'll not be online much.
so it's the best way to contact meee.
94887246.

UPDATES TO THY LIFE.

1. im quitting dare choir.
2. im joining WOW.
3. im starting my actually strict laureninininini's diet tmrw.
4. im gg nuts for work.
5. i screw up my r/s countless of times.
6. im the biggest complain queen ( EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW THAT I SUPPOSE)
7. im missing my boyf terribly.
8. idk what you want me to do anymore D:
9. im dying for school to start.
10. im disappointing too many people.
11. sometimes i feel like committing suicide.
12. i feel so so distant away from my God.
13. christmas is coming and i dont look forward to it.
14. im buying my clamps from Finch this sat.
15. im starting the "piercing business" again.
16. work is driving me to my grave.
17. tuition even before o's even started? sigh.
18. all these makes from 1-17 except 7 makes me want to die, RIGHT, NOW.

my mom is killing me.
we haven't said I LOVE YOU since i was in p3.
you never once told me.
how much you love me as a daughter.
that youre proud of me.
that you never wanna loose me.
that i am so so precious to you.
that your love for me is unconditional.
but instead,
you emphasise how much im such a disgrace to you.
how much you adore scolding me.
how much you DONT want me to be your daughter.
that loosing me means nothing to you.
I, mean nothing to you.
im no one special to you.
im just some THING you picked from the rubbish.
you make me sad all the time.
you make me cry myself to sleep.
your my mother.
though others might see this as nothing.
and think that im just a big cry baby.
when i try to impress you,
you never seem to look.
but when i fall, you push me down.
down and down and down.
and you just walk away.
and let me rot.
i know i mean nothing to you.
i know im the biggest disgrace.
but please, i have feelings too.
your words really sting.
worst than a scorpion's sting.
worst than the desert sand in your eyes.
worst than a painful breakup.
worst than anything.
you're not fit to be my mother.
sigh.
please stop killing me mother.

idk if it works.
hopefully, yes.








I MISS MUHD MAAROF.
gabbie darling, im very sorry about grandmama.
i promise you i'll try visiting her!
& i'll pray.
i'll pray hard for you.
whatever happens, you know you can turn to meee;D
YOUR BESTIE!:D
I LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH BBY!
i know how you feel.
my grandmama died.
i didn't even get to say my final goodbyes.
and it was too sudden.
she raised me when my parents were busy.
she was the one who made me smile.
even till now(before she died).
she has the most adorable smile.
and she's a rocking chic!
she has a scorpion tattoo.
she's th best thing that has ever happened to me.
when she died, i was alone.
but now, you won't be[:
not saying tht she will ( touch alot of wood)
whatever it is honey,
you still got me:D
& your guy.
and everyone else!
C:

i was bored.
so i took this from gab's blog.
:D

THY SELF.
[01] Name: dharsh.
[02] Nickname: dharshy; marshmellow; the emo geek.
[03] Married: in love yes.
[04] Zodiac Sign: libra.
[05] Gender: Female
[06] Age: 15
[07] High School: Northland Secondary.
[08] College: i wanna go to tp:D
[09] Height: 168cm.
[10] Weight: for me to know & you to never find out.
[11] Do you like yourself: hahah. dunno.
[12] Piercings: goodbye my lovers.
[13] Right or left: goodbye oh goodbye.
[14] Are you a freak : no.
[15] Hair: chestnut brown.
[16] Skin: tan i suppose. ehk.
[17] Allergic: to nothing.
[18] What are you doing now: finding songs.
[19] What will you do 1 hour later: go to yishun lib with momsie & popsie. :O
[20] What will you do 10 years later: married and spending money like nobody's business.

THE FAMILY
[21] Live with mother/father/parents: everyone.
[23] Eldest: not me.
[24] Youngest: ME ):
[25] Love/hate your family: both.
THE LOVE
[26] You found your another half: hell yeah. (:
[27] If yes, who is he/she: Ma'arof :D
[28] If no, who you want he/she to be: no one.
[29] Time(s) you in relationship: 6
[30] Ever woo boy/girl(0-100000): nope.
[31] Anyone woo you before(0-100000): dunno.
[32] Did anything wrong to your other half: think so.
[33] What was/were the wrong you had done: alot of arguing.?
[34] Ever argue with your other half: lotsa times.
[35] You with your other half since: 18/09/2008
[36] Are you straight/gay: mix:D
[37] Reasons you love your other half: cus' he's my other half.
[38] You and your other half in which stage: uh stage.. 3/4? hahah.
[39] You woo he/she or he/she woo you: both!
[40] Ever think of marry him/her: yesm. :)


THE FRIENDS
[41] Your first best friend: Gabbie.
[42] Your first enemy: hahahah, SO MANY MAANSZXZXZX.
[43] The friend(s) you love the most: Gabbie & Billie & Sofee & Shaz.
[44] The enemy you hate the most (1only): I LOVE MY ENEMIES! hahahaha.
[45] Your most beautiful girl friend: i cant choose.
[46] Your most handsome guy friend: my boyf! counted?
[47] The kind of girl you hate the most: too stuck up backstabbing cunt.
[48] The kind of boy you hate the most: selfish and if his ego is bigger than his head.
[49] You fall in love with your close friend before: yeah :/
[50] Your best friend is your ex-lover: nope.
[51] If your friend backstabbing you: than to hell with her sweet words, that whore.
[52] If your friend betray you: find out why and bitchslap her. HAHAHAH.
[53] If your friend woo your lover: i'll disfigure her and embarress her till she pees in her undies.
[54] If your friend fall in love with you: no chance maaanszxzxzx.
[55] If you fall in love with your best friend: i did, kinda. {:

THE STUDIES
[56] Are you a good student: no.
[57] You always done your homeworks/assignments: hahaha, no.
[58] The teacher/tutor you love the most: none.
[59] Always late to school/college: nope.
[60] Your class: i dunnoe.
[61] You love your seniors: friendship love, yes. But now, I AM THE SENIOREST SENIOR! hahahahahahahah.
[62] Senior who you love the most: i dont have any.
[63] Your classmates good/bad: ave.
[64] Excellent result classmate: i dont really talk to them.
[65] Laziest classmate: and i still dont talk to them.

THE PEOPLE
[66] Smart people: einstein(however you spell his name).
[67] Stupid people: *waves hand frantically*
[68] Good looking people: everyone.
[69] Ugly people: *waves hand frantically, again*
[70] Funny people: YOU:D
[71] Cute people: emo, elmo's cousin.
[72] Bad people: i dunno lah, all the questions so wierd.
[73] Honest people: not me.
[74] Acting people: huh??
[75] You are what kind of people: Retarded & Hot tempered & Random.
THE PREFER
[76] Lip or eyes: eyes.
[77] Hugs or kisses: both.
[78] Shorter or taller: definitely taller.
[79] hesitant or spontaneous: spontaneous.
[80] Nice stomach or nice arms: both.
[81] Listener or talker: both.
[82] Romantic or rich: romantic.
[83] Good wife or Good mother: both!

THE FUTURE
[84] Age to get marry: 25.
[85] Numbers of kid(s): 3.
[86] Career: journalist & author.
[87] Salary: big big money!

[88] Retirement age: 40.

[89] Properties value: i dunnoe.
[90] Wishes: materialistic mind.