gah..i miss my best friends!
okeh,yst, boring.
everyday is boring for me.rp trip.
i was only interested in the last part of the open house.
school of technology arts (or smthg like tt)
id go there if i were in rp.but im def nt gg there.

went ALL the way to bukit panjang to pierce for lauren(again)
guess what, i pierce so friggin slanted.
this is like the first time i pierce for someone slanted TWICE.
gah, im gna help him pierce again.
i feel so much guilt swallowing up my pride maaansxz.
though there aint mucha link.
helping wx pierce soon!:D

& aft tht, was cedar girl's performance at esp.
i think it was alright.lol.
if only they sang AGLEPTA.
tht would hv made it more interesting maaansxz.
&& i just realised waterfront is so purrty at night[:
took v little pics.
camwhoring throughout the bus ride home:D(MUAHAHAHA)
well, my pic w liqun:D
she's so PURRTTYY:D

oh one more thingy.

I LOVE PRWEE-SEE-RAHHHHH!!!!!

ok, this is seriously sick.
go to..
http://www.peta.org/feat/ChineseFurFarms/index.asp

screw assholes who do this.
they desrve to DIE.


anw, today, scrpit checking day.
YAY.
guess what ?
i failed everything except eng, art, poa & science.
i seriously thought i was gonna fail my poa.
but i passed by half mark.
for eng, i got on the dot.
science, 1 2 marks more.
art, 60/100
like wtf ?
i suck in all my bloody subs.
shiat.

im happy & sad !:D

happy tht i can finally bring down my spm.

sad cus i have fucked up parents whom i thought they understood me.

i msged dad if i could go out..

me:papa can i go out with jannah? i'll be home before 7.30. probably around causeway or bishan.

dad:no.. study darlin.. don't go out..!

me:my exams just ended papa.

dad:i'm afraid that you join the wrong company. n turn into a "bad apple" thinking dat a Gothic look is cool. U don't see many successful people earning good money n staying in good houses, dat the own, hving a gothic look. there r reasons for dis. ur nearest "friends" will determine de kind of person ur're going 2 turn into. so as a parent i only want the BEST for you darling. Think of being a top student and earning a good salary and leading a comfortable life darling..

me:papa, i like the music related to my dressing. i'm actually putting on less eyeliner nowadays:) my dressing won't determine my studies.i read more books too.i honestly don think studies can help me.i know arts wont do me much good.nowadays im writing short descriptions of stuff.i really feel i am improving:)i mix around w the right company.i don mix around w e hooligans in sch.i know my own limits papa.

dad:de fact dat u think studies won't help u is very disturbing. A person with a gd educational qualification n results will definitely do better in life dan one without a basic degree. dat's a fact in life. aft u got dat degree & is marketable in getting a job, den u tink abt doing ur "art". otherwise without a proper qualification u r going 2 end up in de dump wen art don't earn u enough $ to live comfortably. u friends r definitely bad influence. stay home n study.

& aft that, mom calls.

she explains to me.

saying that my dad is very angry right now.

blablabla

the fact tht he says my friends are bad influence just really ticks me off.

who the hell does he think he is to judge my friends ?

yes he's my dad.

THE MORE HE SHOULD BE SUPPORTIVE OF ME.

right now, you just make me hate studying even more.

i know it's all for my own good.

but HELL NO am i going to follow what YOU want.

this isnt what I want.

it's the total opposite.

i LOVE arts.

im diggin my own grave.

im making my own future.

im sorry for alw disappointing you.

my friends are everything to me.

but your opinion is the world to me.

right now, all you want is for me to become a fucking NERD.

who studies in harvard & shiat.

you think arts is BULL.S

im NOT going to continue my arts AFT im old & working.

im gonna start everything NOW.

screw academic shiat.

how about those people who actually DO WELL in arts ?

what makes you think i cant be like them ?

or how about those people who're so obbsessed with academic till one day they just loose everything ?

or they're not good enough in the marketing industry ?

why dont you talk about the BAD points of studying like some dickhead than talk about the bad points about LOVING ART ?

papa, why cant you just be happy for me ?

cant you accept what i LIKE ?

the day you caught me for running away, i thought you actually UNDERSTOOD how i felt.

but hell was i wrong.

you dont even bother trying to understand.

& im supposed to feel happy ?

you only said all that on that morning because you wanted me to skip the thought of running away.

well this shiat is the REASON I AM running away.

the only reason im NOT is because God says i should submit to my parents.

you are just making it so so hard.

do you know how hard it is for me to actually feel normal in this family ?

everything i do, is just wrong.

you alw blame all of this on mama.

why ?

to show us that you're the good guy while mama is the bad one ?

well you can stop all these shiat.

i finally know what kinda person you are.

& my dressing.

it ISN'T GOTHIC.

define ur term GOTHIC.

i like how i dress.

im not your dummy for you to control.

i do what i want.

i wear what i want.

i dont want to become a rebelious kid.

but you'rejust pushing me to my limits.

can you not see how far you are pushing me ?

im standing at the edge of this cliff.

i swear i just want to jump down.

you make my life a living hell!

yes you tell me you care & you want whats best for me.

but this isnt the BEST FOR ME.

the best for me is stop controlling my life & stop criticizing things i like.

you hurt me so deep.

& you're my FATHER.

yeh, i can see the best father right now.

if you had another daughter, i think she'd jump down from our house.

i hate you.

yeah, 1o mins to blog!
*type type type*

anw, went out w fannie dearie & paul threehill cheespie today.

yes, sigh, fannie, im soo sorry D:

im having a really shitty time right now.

thats first.

secondly, tmrw gg out AGAIN!

w pris, ronald, fannie.:D

ahehehe.

helping wx & laurenininini pierce again.

zomg scary but fun:D
lol, lame. okeh.

thirdly, its settled.

im running away on bay beats.

fourthly, its settled again.

im getting a tattoo on my birthday:D

fifthly,

R/S SUCK BANANAS!

next,

im gonna get SPIDER BITES!

kewl shiat huh.

seventhly,

mye suck lolipop maaansxz.

eightly,

i miss all my old friends D:

sigh,

pls dont ignore me anymore.

ninethly,

boy, i still miss you. i really do.

tenthly,

i miss hugs.

next,

i gotta stop smoking.

im smoking my ass off.

well at least i have been today.

sigh.

im such a hypocrite.

*SCREAMS!

i know i have a habit of saying stuff that offend ppl alot.

idk what i said.

im sorry if i said anything wrong tht day.

i swear i didnt meant to offend you in anyway.

i think you look great w tht.

well i got mine, im admitting that i myself am a poseur.

bloody pain.

well i experienced worst.

& it wasnt as pain as i thought it would be.

but whatever, went through it.

2 weeks of patience, here i come.

im alw screwing up my life.

i just realised aftr one problem i hv another one.

im just gna shuddup.

im gna start from now, thankyou.

im such a fucking poseur.

im gna stop all these shiat.

i want them, im getting them real.

idc.

well probably one or two of you would know what im talking about.

im gna get it real this time.

& take it down on video.

than you'll be satisfied huh?

its gna cost me a bomb.

rawr,

fck this shiat.

big time.

edited;

DICKHEADS WITH NO BALLS WHO READ MY BLOG.

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO JUDGE ME ?

JUST CAUSE I'VE GOT PIERCINGS

IM SOME AH LIAN NOW ?

AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK IM TOYING W MY BOYF'S FEELING ?

YOU DONT EVEN KNOW MY FUCKING NAME.

YOU NOT HAPPY THAT WE ARE TOGETHER ?

ARE YOU ALL BITCHES W NO BALLS ?

JUST CUS' YOU HAVE SOME SHIAT GOING ON WITH HIM,

DONT FUCKING DRAG ME IN.

WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE WHO I CRY FOR MORE ?

IM NOT YOUR WHOEVER.

I DONT NEED YOU TO FUCKING CARE.

I LOVE DECHATHORN.

YOUR BUSINESS ??

YOU HARDLY KNOW ME LAH.

SHUT YOUR FUCKING GAP.

YOU HAVE NO BLOODY PROOF I AM.

& IM NOT LIKE YOU BITCHES,

DONT MEAN YOU TOY W UR GF'S FEELINGS,

MEANS I TOY ARD W MY GUY'S FEELINGS.

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR BLOODY PROBLEM ?

IF YOU'RE JEALOUS, JUST OPEN YOUR BLOODY MOUTH

& SAY IT.

TO THT BLOODY SON OF A BANANA WITH NO BALLS

TO TELL ME PROPERLY BUT GIVE ME BULLSHIAT.

YOU BETTER READ THIS.

FUCK OFF,

STOP JUDGING ME.

YOU LOST YOUR GF.

IM NOT LOOSING MY GUY.

JUST PISS OFF.

im gonna get my piercings right & fixed.

sunday was good.

i think:D

MYE suck bananas.

i seriously can't study.

like wtm.

sigh.

chinese today.

suck ?

i need help with POA & PHYSICS & CHEM & E.MATHS.

sigh, i cant even concentrate during sch.

or tuition.

& tmrw, detention.

do they actually have detention during mye ?

gah ..

today, renata got her septum.

shes uber preettyyy:D

i need a puff badly.

life is so marshmellow-ed.

theres no one i can talk to.

i wanted to get msia's ciggs today.

but brenda told me they increased the price.

so yeah, i bought a lighter but no ciggs.

is God giving me a sign to not smoke ?

ily daddy.

i dont think i should.

MIDYEAR IS KILLING ME ]':

I SCREAM SEPTUM!

i thank God for the gift he has given me.

i hope we are still besties.[:

yay, tmr, CHURCH:D

yes, audition. how cute.(:

i want braces.

idk why.

i just love em'

:D

ok today's ABSOLUTELY boring.

like what the marshmellow??!

its so boring im actually restless&i feel like smoking.

lol, whateverr.

i quit alr anws.

fannie & paul's at youth park.

gd for them.

im stuck here at home.

sulky. D:
moms being a you-know-what.

zomg, i hv nvr said thought tht in donkey years.

why am i thinking abt it now ?

zomg, you suck bananas dharsh.

blog hopping now.

have been stuck to this comp for hours.

moms nagging the SHIT outta me.

really pissing me off.

like shussh alr.

imma sombong maksaleh who exxagerates drama mama style!

FANNIE.
DECHATHORN.

im sorry for making you feel this way.
i dont wanna loose you again.
i really dont.
sigh, pls forgive me D:
idk who to choose.
can everyone please stop torturing me D:
i want both of you.
im crying my eyes out.
i really dont know what to say anymore.
pls dont leave me.
i'll be in hell w/o ya'll.
i know you both think it's helping in a way
but it ISN'T
so please, forgive me.
D:
im so so sorryD:

JENNA,

sigh.

i have known you for 2-3 yrs.

why do you want us to be more than strangers ?

just friends..

sigh D:

i dont wanna loose u as a bestie.

i was cryin during sch today.

first period during social studies to be exact.

you mean alot to me.

you & fannie are my ultimate darlings.

i hate to be JUST friends.

cus that sucks.

im sorry im alw asking you to go out w me.

& start nagging if u say u cant.

i know i super duper stubborn&selfish.

im sorry for torturing you with my long bloody stories.

im sorry for alw asking you to hang w my buncha friends.

i know youre shy.

i just wanna let my friends get to know my bestie.

thats what im doing with fannie.

im soryr for showing you some marshemellow-ed attitude all the time.

i know it stink bananas.

the same song keeps playing in my hand.

secondhand serenade; why.

im crying my bloodshot eyes out.

idk why.

D:

i just really miss u.

i dont wanna loose a bestie like you my dear.

sigh.

im still trying to understand why youre doing this.

darl, youre NOT in my way.

youre my BESTIE.

you can nvr be in my way.

double sigh.

i <3>

fannie my dear, the reason i dont wanna tell you is because it IS about you.
idk if you would call it good or bad.
i guess its in the middle ?
you know how it feels when jealousy overcomes you ?
thats how i feel.
its like, youre so darn pretty.
while im that ugly biatch standing beside you.
i hate feeling fugly.
i know i am.
but seriously, i feel jealous.
i might feel a little sad.
i know imma big green eye monster.
somehow, i let you get to know probably all my friends.
than after a while, those friends disappear from my life.
& the next minute you know, they're your good/best friends.
it just feels like MARSHMELLOW that your friends just leave you for someone else.

when i know someone is leaving me & you both are getting closer,

i'll just distant myself.

cus' my instincts tell me that im gna be left outta that picture.

i hate feeling like that lampost.

& i dont want th same thing to happen.

the feeling really just sucks deeply.

its like ure gourging out your own heart alive & whole.

the pain is excruciating.

but its worst than all that.

words cant describe the agony.

i swear it cuts.

example, you know who.
esp, when that someone else is your bestest best friend.
thats why i feel sad right now.
but whatever, after awhile this feeling will be-gone.
i love u darl[: ( in a non lesbo way )
:D

i just finished talk to you.

idk if youre still online.

but i know that person isnt online anymore.

i dont wish to fight with you for something so small.

i know for a fact that him & i will nvr happen.

worst is me & him arent friends anymore.

while you both are together.

idk if you know how all these feel like.

i dont want you to experience how this feels.

talking to you made me tear.

idk why. ]:

i didnt even know i was crying.

i just couldnt stop crying.

secondhand serenade; why.

why ?

i wanna upload pichaazz maaaaaaan.
ok.
i find i have the SUCKIEST english.
why is that so ?
im quitting my LAHs & LUHs & all that stuff.
im mix.
i dont sound mix.
LOL!
im gonna deceive everyone with my new accent.
:D
SMILE FOR ME BBY.[:

zomg, today sch SUCKED.
mr TAI made me write ONE HUNDRED lines of
"i will bring my maths textbook for every maths lesson"
like whatthemarshmellow.
you bloody banana.
go marshmellow yourself you son of a BANANA.
ive made a new friend,
WAN:D
from hidzir.
LOL.
hidzir cheespie, fannie wants to kick your butt.
paul cheespie, we are SO going out on sunday.
but you dont have to go church.[:
fannie cheespie bestie, let dee join the cheesepies!;D
& imy.
pris my marshmellow watermellon um.. with jap mayo all over ( i forgot that nickname! so this is your permanent nickname.) we're soooo going out after exams!
jenna; vomvompthvampire, ILY:D
we're so going out sooooon.
we nvr been out like.. forever.
syaza pixxie, IMY! i met you like once. but im missing you.

THREE TWENTY FIVE am.

zomg,

i cant sleep.

yst(sat) was fun:D

lol.

cheesepie outing!

though its the only 3 of us.

& im so getting a tattoo soon maanxz.

three of us went to peninsula.

walked around.

went to ink by finch.

talk here talk there.

ask alot of questions.

zomg the tools for septum looks scary. :s

FANNIE & PAUL THREEHILL WENT TO YOUTH WITH MEE:D

lol.

ok they were doing some not so good stuff in CHURCH just now.

before church ended,

they went to pass raman his stuff.

at that time, i felt so sick.

gah..

idk why.

aft church, went to buy tickets for the zone, hillsongs united.

anyone wanna go ??

MSG MEEE:D

the zone; hillsongs united.

24may; sat.

6.30pm.

max pavillion.

FIVE bucks/ticket.

idk whens the last day to buy though.

so yeah.

tmr im gonna be HAPPY!

im alw so sad everyday.

my life seems so DEAD.

so tmr its gna be UNDEAD:D

shalomn people[:

zomg hello my dears[:
today was fun:D
i think.
had school.
OH SHIAT.
i failed my maths . ]:
i just realised i have to let my parents to sign my paper.
sigh.
daddy, pls help me.
idk what to do.
sigh.

today went out with fannie.
met ron otw.
than walked ard.
went back.
i skipped um..
sports day.
munday monday, here i come.
pray for me people.
sigh.
ok.
tmr:D
meeting fannie, paul, imran, sarala.
so far, i think thats all.
than meeting hidzir & the others ard 5 aft church.
zomg i want church to be fun maaaan:D
well it alw is.
sigh.
why am i alw sighing.
i hope our f/s can alw be so fun & sweet:D
lol.
zomg, what am i saying.
ok

EMOME
sigh, why is my life so miserable.
*ok forget it i have no mood to do anything right now.


zombie, pls save me.
i need help.
why ?
stop this beating heart of mine.
pls stop.
just grab it & tear it apart.
no more love.
love can go suck bananas.
pls stop haunting me.
D:

edited.}

im sorry for doing this to you.

i really cannot stand it anymore.

i just wanna scream my lungs out.

im crying so hard now i just feel like killing myself.

im sorry for being such a bitch to you.

im sorry for all the shiat im doing to you now.

i nvr knew i would ever do this.

i'd call it inhumane.

im sorry.

i know you must hate me so badly right now.

i feel like a BITCH!

sigh.

im sorry you ever got to knew a bitch like me.

raman, im so so sorry.

i really cannot stop crying.

sigh, why am i such a terrible person ?

i dont dare to face God tmrw.

idk why.

i dont dare to face anyone tmrw.

i dont feel like gg youth tmrw.

i feel like a BITCH.

children of God nvr feel like bitches or bastards.

every night i just wish i would stop being so negative.

every night i just wanna sit beside daddy & cry so, so hard.

pour out all my feelings.

kill that agony bleeding inside.

you know how pain it is ?

no you dont.

no one does.

alot of people claim they feel like dying.

well im one of them.

i really do.

i know this isnt the way i should be talking right now.

but i cant help it.

im sick of everything.

i compare dying & living.

i wont be so fucking sad all the time.

i wont be crying every single day.

i wont feel LOVE.

i wont feel pain.

i'd be so happy.

someone please tell me all these is true.

please tell me something that is nice.

please tell me something that will stop these tears.

sigh,

i hate love.

i really hate it.

it makes me SCREAM FOR LESS PAIN EVERYDAY!

i dare say, i think ive fallen for you.

i hate this feeling.

i dont wanna crush on you.

im too ugly for you.

im too ugly for anyone.

i dont wanna feel rejection.

i LOATH rejection.

i feel like staying away from you.

but idk if i can even bring myself to do that.

what the fuck is wrong me.

im praying for a miracle.

im praying hard, im praying badly.

i seriously dont get why people try to be nice to me but when the see me, they just ignore me.

you act like you care,

but in truth, you just want me to think youre a good friend

HERE ME SCREAM!!!!!!!

i broke up with raman.

im sorry for torturing you that one whole year.
right now, a r/s just suck big time for me.
im sorry for hurting you so badly.
pls forgive me raman.
D:
i dn wna stay in this r/s any longer & hurt you anymore.
i just feel so so uncomfortable.
youre the first guy i ever loved so deeply.
& youre the first guy i ever cried so badly for.
youre so so loving & caring.
every night im crying cus idk if what i did on 13 march was right.
i was scared i would hurt you so so much.
i know i have right now.
deep in your heart, you probably feel so torn up.
like thousands of dagger pierced through your heart.
im sorry for hurting you this way.
i know i'll never see you again.
im sorry raman.
]':

FLAG DAY TODAY!
lol.
thankyou fannie, hidzir & paul.
I MADE A NEW FRIEND:D
paulleeee.
he so doesnt look my age.
FORREAL.
lol.
anw, thankyou hidzir for helping me get the donations.
& fannie, we're on bestest terms now yes yes ?
ily[;
lets go out tgt again some other time!:D
thankyou for that darling hug just now.
well, i kinda lied that my sister was coming.
i really couldnt hold back those tears anymore.
i sat at that staircase trying to control my tears.
but didnt work.]:
so i just made up some excuse.
cus i loath to let others see me cry.
im sorry.D:
ily darlings!

well, boyfie & i fought today.
gah, i wasnt thinking strgt either ?
idk.
darling, you went to far abt nt wanting to meet me tmr.
i was just dead shock when i saw tt msg.
youre the first guy i ever loved so deeply.
youre the first guy i would spent so much on.
& please, try to be gd friends with fannie.
she has done nothing wrong to you dearie.
shes my bestie.
i love both of you & am never gonna loose either of you.
i swear.

sigh, i smoked so so much today.

what the marshmellow?

seriously what is wrong w me.

im feeling so bloody giddy today.

i seriously felt like just dropping dead just now.

sigh, i really wanna quit.

D:

sigh, do you still want me as a best friend ?

pls answer me honestly.

FANNIE; BESTEST BEST BESTIE EVER!

i am deeply truely so so sorry.

i know no matter how many sorries i say right now,

you probably still wont forgive me.

youre practically the best thing that ever happened in my life.

doesnt mean i have a boyf, we cant still be besties!

im so sorry for treating you differently.

im sorry for making you feel so horrible.

i never knew it would have such a deep impact on you.

im sorry for always talking about raman.

i know how you feel.

i swear i do.

youre my first TRUE best friend.

if you leave me now i'd rather kill myself.

i really do love you!

in a non lesbo way.

i never ever want you to back away from me.

rmb the thing abt llyon?

at that moment i felt so so stupid.

but i knew you were my bestie & you never meant for it to happen.

i couldnt stop crying.

i talked to jenna about all those.

she was helpful in a way.

anw, i still loved you & i knw us "breaking up" over some dickhead like llyon?

thats impossible.

when raman told me he didnt like you.

i felt like screaming.

i even told him if he couldn't accept you, than to hell with it.

i really dont ever ever want to loose you!

youre the best thing that ever happened to me.

i swear you are.

right now pls give me time.

i really wanna keep you as a bestie.

loosing you is like loosing everything.

right now, youre closer to me than anything.

youre the LAST thing & i mean the last & final thing that i ever want to loose.

youre the first person i alw think about.

raman's second.

i know he'd probably hate me if he read this.

but really, you are my BESTESTBESTEST BESTIE ever.

pls dont ever, ever leave me.

ILY BESTIE!

my life would be so empty.

pls dont distant yourself.

pls stay as my bestie.

please, ]]'':

old people used to tell kiddies piercing their tongue will have several side effects.

1. lost of taste buds.

2. shorter tongue.

3. your tongue will swell into a huge balloon.

4. santa clause wont give you a present.

5. your boyfriend/girlfriend will dump you cus its hard to french.

all that BULLSHIAT.

gah..

&how about eyebrow piercings?

i know if you dont go to a professional to pierce, you WILL go blind.

but i wna get one so badly.

it just looks so yummy.

gimme details about eyebrow piercings preettyy please ?

&not those BULLSHEET that would scare the living daylights outta me.

ty[;

i go ZOMZOMB TH ZOMBIE.

im so HIPPIE:D

woots .

how would you label a scene kid ?

gimme comments.

im just so darn curious.

schs a BORE.

thankyou mr tai for making me stay back so long.

it was SOO enjoyable.

&&mr chen heard me shout FUCKYOUCHEEBAI!

zomg, i pray he doesnt tell mr tai.

he just kept staring me & i pretended to be so darn sad & put my hands on my face.

grandmama's back in the hosp.

shes so stubborn.

ROAR!

stay in that bloody hospital until you GET WELL.

i dont wanna loose you D:

ILR!

cant wait for sunday.

whats with maksalehs & their huge bloody ego ?

is it like too BIG for their body?

you bloody ego maniac bitches,

stop trying to act like you fucking care.

when you dont.

just go fuck a wall.

my mood is a total goner right now.

im thinking about what happened in the morning.

mom, youre not even trying to understand me.

i really want you to.

&whats the reason for living if you cant even enjoy your life ?

why bother trying & trying & trying but still, you dont achieve it.

right now i just feel like dying.

& no, im not like those faggots who say "i wanna die right now" just to gain pity & attention.

i really do feel like jumping down.

the door is right infornt of me.

i try so hard to follow Gods words.

but its so hard.

im done trying.

my family dont understand what im going through.

no one does.

no matter how hard i try to explain.

no one BOTHERS listening or trying to understand.

i cant even have a real friend.

how pathetic of me.

gah..

i really feel like dying right now!!!

someone please end my misery.

im having depression.

probably a mild one.

but idc.

im gonna run into that huge mirror of mine,

&crack my skull open.

&&bleed to death.

i dont care where i end up.

i really dont.

i just wanna die right now.

passion arts today!
band looks so adorable:D

i had to tape up my shoe.

whatever,

well we did kinda better than i expected:D

butbut, the lightings were AHHH.

anw, aft passion arts.

took the guitar & went home:D

waited for the bus.

was kinda moody.

cus was alone.

&&i absolutely LOATH walking alone AT NIGHT.

anw, boarded the bus.

i stared into blank space, thinking of boyf.

imh. ]:

thn i looked right infront of me.

a family.

one who big groupie darlings chitty chatty aft attending passion arts.

atm, i thought of my parents.

why was i alone?

why didnt they come to cheer me on?

why were they not there when i WANTED them to be?

they knew i was performing,

but they weren't free.

they didnt even make an effort to come.

than i started thinking about my past.

when i used to have concerts in primary sch.

they would be there watching me perform.

those moments were so beautiful.

aft my act, they would come up&tell me how good i was.

my dad would hug me tightly & tell me that he loves me.

mom would compliment me & give me that sweet smile of hers.

if only they were there today like how they alws have been.

at my primary sch concerts.

how i only wish.

i cried all the way throughout the bus trip.

these are the moments that make me wanna smoke.

till my lungs bleed tar.

typing this post makes me cry so badly.

all i want is my parents to love me.

&care for me.
&show me that they love me.

all i want now is a big big hug from them telling me how much they love me.

i really want them here right now.

]':

im missing you so badly right now.

im thinking of you every min, every sec.

this is a good torture:D

&&im actually like it.

i alw listen to STOP&STARE.

by one republic.

i rmb that day.

though it was short.

i still loved it.

when i had my subway cookkiiee:D
yum2.

youre the first guy i ever talked about to my sister.

youre the first guy i ever put in my heart&soul into doing you a card.

youre the first guy i ever cried so much tears for.

though its been only awhile, i love you so so much.

i still remember that necklace you gave me.

i was so darn happy!

but when she took it away from me, i teared.

baby, you really mean alot alot to me.

my friends alw ask whos raman.

cus i alw write your name on me hand.

same style, diff colour.

now, its black words with indigo outline.

yst it was brown words with orange outline.

&i say, my boyf:D

&&aft that, i'll think of you the whole darn day.

i made you a letter thingy.

i tried decorating it, but idk if its up to standard.

D:
all i need now is our picture:D

im sorry for so many crap ive done.

right now, im trying to stop it.

i hope you understand. ]:

i miss holding your hand.

when its alw so cold.

(idk why)

i miss our hugs!

i miss hugs overall.

but the best thing is, im missing you terribly right now.

cya on sat darling!

:D

I LOVE RAMAN!

i just found out why im sick every single day of my life.

cus when i dont smoke, i get sick.

when i do, i feel giddy.

wth is going on.

D:

i read marxie's blog.

darling, pls cheer up.

frens come&go.

if theyre true besties, they stick tgt for life.

like fannie&i.

i believe she's like my blood sister.

we do stuff tgt!

we love each other.

we'll never fall out.

idk what happened last time

&i knw i have no right to say all these right now.

&&yeah, we arent close at all.

but i dont like seeing you like that.

think positive, maybe they'll come back ?

im sure they will.

pls dont cry.

D:

ily bby!

SMILE:D

raman boyf, im so so sorry for leaving like tt yst.

pls dont be angry
D:

youre so darn sweet to go all the way to the mrt for me.

ILY HUN!

i promise i wont do that again.

&&i hope i can go for the gathering!

&tt special day's cmg.

im so buying you smth special.

:D

today at church.

i raised my voice at my mom over the phone.

she really pisses me off.

I HAVE NO GAWD DAMN LIFE!

i bet everyone heard me screaming too.

but idc.

shes so unreasonable.

i told her im gg to the library aft church.

whats so effin wrong bout the LIBRARY?

she wants me to be home early.

i mean it makes no bloody difference right ?

even if i was at home what ever makes her think i WOULD study ?

she knows i WONT study,

shes my mom!

im sick & tired of my parents.

theyre unreasonable & they make me cry every single night.

they make my life a livg hell.

they call this UNCONDITIONAL love.

they said theyd try understanding me.

aft tt tme i tried to run away.

dad was so SO nice to me.

the next day, he said all the ART stuff are BULLSHIAT.

&alot of other stuff which hurt me deeply.

they enjoy hurting me so deeply.

idk why.

pls stop it.

D:

you told me you would DISOWN me if i got a tattoo.

right now, thats the only thing i want.

i dont want you both as my parents.

youre making my life WORST THAN HELL.

papa, everything you said are just lies.

mama, you alw are so darn unreasonable.

you think treating me like your slave is fun ?

you make me just wanna jump down from the highest floor every single day.

you know how torturing that is ?
to know your own parents somehow "HATE" you?

&they call it UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?

papa, i call this BULLSHIAT.

why do you both do this to me ?

idk why.

am i really your daughter?
pls stop torturing me.

God taught us to respect my parents.

i try so so hard to do that.

but all you both are doing's just making it so much harder for me.

i go to church everyday.

thinking abt you.

today, i was tearing silently in church.

aft i fought with you mama.

right now, i dont even dare to face God.

i feel so cooped up.

i really need a christian councellor.

i dont like my sch councellor.

all she wants is to talk to you, mama.

i dont want that.

you'd prob scream at me again.

my ears are bleeding from all your screaming.

pls stop killing me

D:

i really need someone to tell me what im doing is right.

what im doing is another way of expressing myself.

what im doing is the only way out for me right now.

im running away from hell.

im running away from this hell.

cant you just accept my best friend?

cant you just understand me?

im sorry for not understanding you.

im trying.

i swear.

we both are VERY stubborn.

i know.

but shes my best friend.

though i knew her only last year.

shes the best thing thats ever happened to me.

i alw go out w her.

im sorry for not gg out on 1/1 with you.

but you seriously have NO right to call her irritating.

yst i know you said all that outta anger.

im sorry for alw caring for her before i care for you.

im sorry for all that shiat i said & did.

im sorry for alw leaving you out.

you dont bother TRYING to understand me.

you alw say i have to understand you.

have you ever cared for MY feelings ?

yeah its alw us 3some hangg tgt.

&im alw leaving you out.

sometimes i get too involved i just dont realise.

thats my fault.

but you could just join in too right ?

&yst you were super pissed.

did you think of how I would feel ?

baby i really DO love you.

but seriously, if you cant accept my bestfriend,

than what, we gonna argue over this small shiat all the time ?

youre alw blaming her.

why ?

STOP BLAMING HER.

STOP SAYING BAD STUFF ABOUT HER.

SHES MY BESTFRIEND. understand THAT.

if you cant even accept her, what the hell am i to do ?

she's alw there for me.

but youre not.

i know youre busy.

&shes my pillar of strength.

i really love her.

i dont wanna lost NEITHER of you.

i cry everytime we argue.

you might not call it arguing, but I do.

cant you just accept her ?

yeah i'll hang out w you w/o her there.

&we could go on double dates.

but boyf, i still love you.

i swear i love you.

today, you were hogging the phone.
so i talked to darling.
is that ever so wrong ?
&whats with the attitude?
i know right now, im just being to heartless&selfish.
&im sorry for alw showing attitude.
now i know how it feels.
but just because i was talking to darl the whole time you diss me off??
what was i supposed to do.
stare at you while you were talking on the phone?
but yeah, im not gonna say anymore stuff.
im wrong, youre right.
but i bet you dont have a single clue what im going through now.
you said you would be there for me.
well,
im sorry boyf. ]':


well today was kinda ok[x
jammed w LALENA:D
lol.
i hope im in =s
well, sorry glenn!
aft jamming.
went home:D
while smokg i felt giddy.
like what the marshemellows?
gah.
D:
im so sick!
*screams like flyleaf*

GLL!

wtf is wrong with you??
are you like so fcking obbssessed with me??

why do you keep shooting me?

your gun is so long&fcking hairy lah!

you stupid ugly horrible prostitue!

you make my life a bloody LIVING HELL.

you take my most precious marshmellow

&youre only returning it to me EOY??
you made me cry the whole day.

you bloody pedophile.

i pray you get kicked into JAIL for doing this shiat.

im gonna throw 13 rotten eggs on your car.

&vandalise it.

im gonna take a grandpiano&smash it onto your car.

im gonna write"FCK OFF BITCH! GO DESTROY YOUR OWN CRUEL LIFE!"

go bark somewhere else.

if you were my mom,

i'd shoot you down&chop your body up

&feed them to the dogs.

&than i'd commit suicide.

or

i'd complain to my mom.

&make sure she complains to the principal face to face.

saying that you make my life a living hell&you should be fcking fired!
than i'll sue you&take away EVERYTHING that you own.

i'll make sure you experience what real HELL is like.

im gonna help you publicize your PROSTITUTE wanna be persona

around the whole sch.

than you'd love me to death.

who the hell do you actually think you are huh??

im gonna give you what you gave me for that effin THREE years.

die bitch.

just drop dead&DIE.

when i was young, i used to think that when it rains,

God is crying.

so i cried with him.

cus i cry when ppl cry.

so i practically cried everyday when it rained like 24/7.

aft awhile,

i wld think,

God must be showering.

like you&me showering everyday.

cus' he cant possibly be crying so much.

so i take a shower when its raining.

:D

ok all these is just fyi.

i was bored.

&i rmbed bout the chongfu students when i was taking the bus.

&this raining thingy linked to tt.

somehow.

when you see them.

you just see how happy they are.

they dont care how the dress,

they dont care how they look.

they dont care how heavy their bags are.

they dont care about anything,

but having fun on the bus:D

i rmb how i used to be like them.

its just so fun&joyful when you have

nothing to worry about.

that moment is just so magical.

another subject.

GOHLILY confiscated my mp3.

whatthemarshmellows??!

i cannot STAND her!

sigh.

i told my mom.

she was ok with it.

havent told dad.

sigh.

parents are fighting again.

dad has UBER short temper.

i seriously cannot stand him.

GAH.

every night im praying to God,

to bring me back my phone.

i know, if i dont get back my phone,

he'll get me a better one:D

when GLL confis. my mp3.

i kept thinking the aftmath of all tt.

if i killed myself from all the stress,

I WLD DEDICATE MY DEATH T HER.

so she would feel so remorseful, so regretfull,

she'd kill herself too:D

or if my parents divorced*touch wood!*,

i'd blame it ALL on her.

&i'd sue her for it.

&i' d make sure she goes jobless.

but right now,

im not full of hatred nor grudge.

i cry every night thinking about my mom.

ILY MOM!

i lost my phone in sch today]:
no wait, someone STOLE it.
like whats ur fcking problem bitch?
dn cha hv aphone of ur own?
whatthefuck is wrong with you ?
how would you feel if someone stole your phone ?
how fuckg HAPPY would you feel ?
you stupid daughter of a bastard.
FCK OFF BITCH.
i pray you die a fucking terrible death TMR.

i seriously dont get you.

i swear i dont.

i mean come on, what are you trying to do?

you ask me to tell you 12 bands.

so i did.

&youre not gonna put them in ur gig?
you tell me you would only for bigger gigs.

than why in the first place did you ask me to?

i help you find band mates.

&you tell her youre finding more people?

what happened to the people i found?

i worked my ass off&wasted my msgs finding you a bassist.

&now you say.. idk evn know what you are saying anyway.

do you even appreciate my help?

i wanted to help.

you KNOW how much i would love to help.

but you dont even bother asking me to help?

you can even ask me what can i help with.

&you tell me "promoting"

boyf, i seriously dont get you right now.

fine then, since you dont want me to help.

yes im being a bitch saying all that.

but i cant keep it all bottled up.

im having enough shit from my family.

thankyou.

hiding in the corner.

praying silently for some miracle to happen.

staring at my computer screen.

smokg my life away.

hallelujah.

all i want now is to cry on jesus lap.

i have a terrible issue.

i have the most foul mouth.

i have the most horrifying temper.

i have the most cocked up mind ever.

i have the ugliest heart.

i am so so whinny.

i am so insensitive to other people's feelings.

i just wanna kill myself now.

]':

{edited}
i got food poisoning.
sigh.
i cant help but vomit blood.
well right now i'm too lazy to go to the doc.
sigh.
someone save me]:

dear diary,

i know i flare up alot
gaga.
ok.
from now, i'll stop being pushy&i'll only flare up if someone pisses me off.
the end:D

p.s; any chinese vocalist interested in joining a indie rock band ?
oh ya, i need a bassist too:D

today's youth was AWESOME:D
i loved it.
byebye pastor daniel&gabriel.
see you ard!
gah, i feel so blessed at that moment;D
it was probably the second time i saw something like that.
i teared, a lil'.
i love my daddy God:D
when i got in the car,
i raised my voice at my mom cause she didn't let me stay longer.
me: you could have just tell me to go to bishan right? than i can stay longer with them! *shouting like nobodys business*
mom: im sorry can, why didnt you tell me about it.
me:ugh, wouldnt you know or smth?*with a FUCKING SARCASM tone]:*
mom:at least i bothered coming down all the way to town when its so jam just to fetch you
after that, i just cried.
im sorry mama.
i love you.
im sorry for not understanding.
than i started thinking about the other few times i shouted at her w/o thinking about her feelings or why she actually did that particular thing for me.
im so so sorry for hurting your feelings.
i know you're the best mother i can ever have.
even much better than papa.
&at most times, i loose my temper easily.
im so sorry]:
i love you mama.

im a hypocrite.

thanks for telling me.

i guess i'll stop talking abt gigs only if i can go.

sigh.

&I LOVE YOU BOYF.

<3.

today was uber gooood:D
I LOVE YOU BOYF!
gagagaga[;
lol.
i love u!
:D
thankyou for the sub cookie:D
&the numerous amt of ciggs tooo[:

fannie pierced her lips today.
it wasn't as bad as the nose piercing though.
lol.
she looks much preeettiiiieeerrr again:D
DEE DONT GO TO AUS!
i'll fucking miss you[:

&im waiting for my lomocam darlg:D

sigh, i wanted to write something else but forget it.
fannie my dear, tt BOYFRIEND of yours is nothing but a son of a bitch who loves lying&hurting other girls feelings.
he sure knows how to ACT all fucking SENSTIVE&all that BULLLSHIAT.
sigh, just knw im there for you:D
i love you bestest bestest bestie!:D
i know youre sad but you dont wanna show it.
but still, you can tell me anything:D

having my cadidicature thingy workshop.
gah..
i actually dont look ALIVE in the workshop.
maybe im not cut out for drawing arts]:
i drew the picture over&over again.
i got whacked so many times today.
mainly by other people's umbrellas.
THANKYOU PEOPLE

im vomitting all over the toilet sink.
im coughing blood i think my lungs are bleeding.
im gonna cut off my friggin nose any friggin moment right now.
my eyes are burning in fucking pain.
all these,
i dont knw why.
just let me bleed dry.
i feel so fucking dead right now.
all i want right now is to fall into a coma.
it will hurt much lesser.
do you all not see me suffering?
Satan curse you.
God save me.

today's church was nice.
pastor joshua talked about unconditional love that God showers us with.

zomg, on the shuttle bus to suntec,
i couldn't help myself but think of him]:
cus he went to church with me the day he left.
i really couldn't hold back my tears.
my heart was acheing terribly.
why am i still crying over him??
sigh.
whats wrong with me.
well, im definitely not anticipating for the day he comes back.

LABELS.
i'm being labeled as emo/gothic in school.
when i heard this i couldn't stop laughing my butt off.
[:
just cause i have black nails&wear a skull jacket, im EMO&GOTHIC:D
so if i had pink nails with tiny diamond heart shapes on it with pink fluffy bunnies for keychains than what would i be?
or how about someone with big huge PEACE earings&a coulourful watercoloured bag with the huge sign PEACE there.&this band around my head with flowers&the most "bling" PEACE neckalce. what would that make me?
lol.
LABELS ARE FOR SOUPCANS MY DEARIES.
i should actually dress them up.
like have an EMO soupcan.
or a HIPPY soupcan.
maybe a LOLITTA soupcan.
&all that.
than i can show my friends what LABELS are for[:
i am so doing it for this holiday[;
provided i got time.
&so much homework!
im gonna go "pop" soon.
&choir camp from wed-fri?
gah..
next week i have OBS.
like whatthefish???!
im sooo NOT going.
yes im a pussy.
i hate obs.
im not going.
&i def dont wanna miss classes since im dropping academically.
how how how??

myspace&friendster seems so boring now.
my facebook was screwed YEARS ago.[:
ok, back to art.
ciao darls[:

zomg. i feel so touched when fee ask me to do this survey:D



1)Name: dharshy marshy
2)Birthday: 11oct1993
3)Height:167cm
4)School: northland secondary
5)Best Friends: fannie, jannah, mj, sharul:D

FAVORITES:
1)High-Fashion Brand: dorothy perkins
2)Food: susshhhiiii:D
3)Colour: black, brown, white, orange.
4)Song: this conversation is over; alesana
5)MUSIC: local music:D
6)Number: 7/17/19
7) Word: hallelujah! :D
8)Memory: 20feb08
9)Snack: seaweed.[:
10) People:my darlings&besties&bestoes!:D
QnA
1)Are you happy with yourself? -um..no?
2)Do you wish to change sth about yourself? -yeah.
3) What is your nicest feature? - idk
4Do you wish to have a twin? - nah..
5)What is your biggest fear?- getting heartbroken?
6?what is your greatest achievement? -getting full marks for my math in p6
want to be famous? -no thankyou?
8)Do you think you are better than your friends? -def not
9)Do you think you are trendy?-HELL NO
10)Whats your style?-i love mixing:D

LOVE;
1) who and when was your fist kiss?- my parents.
2)do you have a crush? - nopes.
3){not writing cus' i dn have a crush}
4)if no, who was your last crush?- llyon
5)How many ex-s have you had? -3
6)if you could earase one of your past relantionships, which? -ALL
7)Whats your sexual status? - zomg like wtfish? virgin.
8)Do you believe in sex before or after marriage? - def aft.
9)Do you always get the people you want? - no..
10)Have you been turned down?-oh yeah.

CHOOSEone
1)ashley or mary-kate? - mk.
2)Straight or curly? -straight.
3)heels or flats? -flats
4)white or black? -black.
5)Jimmy choos or Manolo blahniks? -Jimmy choos
6)Louis Vuitton or Chanel? Louis Vuitton.
7)Half empty or half full?- the glass too big :D
8)PARIS or milan? - MILAN!
9)Skirts or pants? -pants
10)Long or short hair? -long.

5 PEOPLE TO DO THIS.
1)FANNIE!:D
2)JANNAH!:D
3)SHAR!:D
4)ALVIN!:D
5)anyone reading now[:

FUCK THE WORD LOVE
sigh.
i teared the moment we sayed goodbye.
its fucking hard holding it all back.
well aft all, i just realised how much you cared for my feelings.
i know he def didn't.
but you're my bestie.
&yes its my fault.
sigh.
i just cant help it right now.
you cannot stop love.
but i really do not understand why you both chose not to tell me.
only aft a few days.
i knw i said i wont blog about this anymore.
but my heart is fucking acheing right now.
why am i still so fucked up about this shit?
&darling you are right.
whatever you told me does make me fucking sad.
but you know me.
anw, thanks for telling me.
when he comes back, i dont dare to see him.
why? idk.
maybe cause it would pain so, so much more.
&seeing you & him together would just make me go fucking suicidal.
i want & i dont want you to tell me when he's back.
sigh.
i need fucking ciggerettes.
i wanna smoke myself to death.
i wanna cough so hard, i cough blood.
i wanna get the worst migrain in fucking history i actually die in mere seconds from it.
I JUST WANNA FUCKING DIE RIGHT NOW!!

zomg im just so in love with my piercings[;
lol.
im in the mood for signs!
anyone?
:D
no one's home today.
dad's in indo.
mom&sis's at work.
maid's at cousin place.
so i guess that leaves my honey&i.
sigh, no one's free today arh??
call so many people also no one free]:
&ty nicole:D
now i left lighter.
ohya, idk how to light a lighter]:
yay me.

stomp is just so fucking gay.
people got no business posting about others
&i dont get why stompers like judging people.
i mean if the person is a skinhead, let him fucking be!
its not like its gonna affect you in anyway right?
whats your freaking problem.

went shopping today.
with meixian,huiling&sis.
bought skull pumps& a skull bangle.
bought mini stuff&all tt shit actually adds up to EIGHTYBUCKS.
like wth ?
sigh.
byebye money]:

im not gonna blog about the lovebirds anymore.
im being an ultimate bitch for doing tt.
why do i do it anw.
sigh, just to gain sympathy?
oh fuck my egoistic attention seeking shiat.
sigh.
right now they're having some stuff going on.
but i still love them[:
&no matter what, im crying till all the pain's gone.

sigh, you supposed to buy me ciggs lah.
where where where..
you owe me darling.

FANNIE DARLING, IF ANYTHING IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW,

PLS TELL ME. IM UR FRIGGIN BESTIE! &I LOVE YOU, SO PLS,

DONT HIDE ANYTHING&TELL ME YOUR PROBLEMS.

&ABT TIFF, PLS IGNORE HER.

LET HER FUCKING BE.

SHE WANTS TO HATE LLYON, WHO FUCKING CARES.

AS LONG AS BOTH OF YOU ARE STILL TOGETHER HAPPILY:D

XOXOs.